New Fifty Poo
by theamerican91
Summary: Welcome to the New 52 where the continuity is made up and the characters don't matter.
1. Chapter 1

**This isn't meant to target SMWW or any particular pairing. I may be a BMWW shipper but I have nothing totally against the pairing (hence my SMWW fic) but I do have a problem with how the New 52 seems to be just pulling random stunts like this lately just to attract readers instead of focusing on good story telling and character development. Grant it I haven't read JL #12 so I can't fully judge but based on DC's record lately, I wouldn't be too surprised.**

Superman looked around patrolling the city of Metropolis. He was on the lookout for any evil doers who dared to attack his city. He was Truth, Justice, and the American Way…no that's too 1930's. Truth and Justice, yeah that sounded better. Nah scratch that, too soft. He needed to be darker, more edgy. All the cool superheroes were doing it, why couldn't he?

Superman then looked up into the night.

"I am vengeance, I am the night, I am Superman!" he shouted. Yeah that sounded a lot better.

"Kal?" a soft voice asked. Superman looked around and saw an angelic woman soar down the heavens. Superman put on a grin and walked over to her.

"What's going on?" Diana asked with concern.

"You can't understand me Diana! No one can, I'm all alone!"

"What?" Diana asked confused.

"No one understands me; can't you see I'm suffering a lot of angst?"

"Why do you have angst?"

"Because I'm all alone!"

Diana paused to think.

"Okay did you and Bruce switch bodies or something?" she asked.

"What are you talking about?" Superman asked angrily. Diana was put off a little by the sudden mood swings.

"You sound exactly like him right now…"

"I'm not acting like Batman!" Superman defended. "I'm just reinterpreting my character! This is how I was always meant to be portrayed!"

"Alright Clark this is getting ridiculous."

"What are you even doing here?" Superman demanded.

Wonder Woman looked around.

"Well I just realized my mother had an affair with Zeus despite leading the Amazons to distrust men, that my entire race is really just a murdering band of sirens who murdered men after seducing them which makes my cause for peace moot, and that for some reason I have this new awesome power where I just blow up like a bomb for no explanation," Diana raddled off. "So basically I'm going through a bunch of shit right now and have more right to be moody than you."

"But that makes no sense. On every Justice League mission we've been on, you always been so happy go lucky with not a care in the world, I didn't know you had issues with you acting like that…"

"I only act that way because we have a different writer who doesn't seem to understand I'm supposed to be an intelligent woman…"

"What?"

"Never mind," Diana remarked. She suddenly began to eye Superman with a flirtatious look.

"Hey, did I ever tell you that you look so sexy?" she purred.

Superman was confused.

"Diana, are you okay?"

"I'm more than okay, now that you are here…" she teased as she started to rub her fingers on his shoulders.

"Didn't Steve just die?" Superman asked a little worried.

"Who?"

"You know, the guy who was supposed to be your love interest but DC realized he was too boring so they made him older than you only to recently make him young again and blatantly hint at a romance between you two even though the writers just decided to bump him off for no reason without giving him proper character development?"

"Oh him? I got over it really quick. After all he is just a man…"

Suddenly someone landed on the roof.

"I hope I'm not interrupting…" the man in a black cape said.

"Bruce?" Superman asked alarmed. "What are you doing in my city?"

Bruce looked at Superman puzzled.

"And where's your mask?" Diana asked.

Bruce shrugged.

"Despite my paranoid nature and trust issues I just decided to take it off one day and it felt good. It makes it easy to fight. Besides, it's nice to start trusting random people I just met anyways."

"But what about your enemies?" Superman asked.

Bruce shrugged.

"What's the worst that can happen?"

"That's nice Bruce now if you don't mind; Clark and I have some business to attend…"

"This still seems all of a sudden," Superman said a little perplexed. "I mean we barely had much interaction between each other. You were always dealing with Steve or Hal…"

"We had plenty of interaction. This was so obvious. Remember how you commented I was strong and I replied I know? That's plenty of evidence that we are soul mates!"

Batman snorted.

"Seriously, you're going with that cliché again?"

"Fuck off Bruce. Everyone knows you love Selina," Diana remarked.

Bruce rolled his eyes. "You know it's more complicated than that. I've had way more love interests than both of you combined."

"Rub it in why don't you," Superman muttered back.

"It's not my fault that the writers for you always try to hint a new love interest is coming and destroy it before it even develops and rely on the chemistry between you and Lois because they realize it is the easiest way to make you relatable…"

"At least yours didn't turn your world upside down for a rip off of the God of War storyline," Diana interjected.

"And at least I was married," Superman remarked. "I mean not anymore but at least I was able to have a love interest who was interesting enough for me to marry and not be married to anymore."

"What?" Batman asked confused.

"The point is it's not the quantity but the quality, why I bet you can name Selina as your only memorable love interest."

"Oh really? Let's see, there was Talia, Vikki, Silver St. Cloud…"

"And don't forget Clark. There was that time I was attacked by Graves and you were concern about me being hurt…" Diana said suddenly getting back onto their out of the blue blossoming romance.

"Zatanna, Dinah, Ivy…"

"Hello friends," J'onn said suddenly appearing out of nowhere.

"J'onn what the hell are you doing here?" Diana asked by his sudden appearance.

"I don't know; DC just randomly has me make cameos without explanation. Last time I recall I was on the moon. I was getting bored and was wondering if I could join the Justice League…"

"Barbara, Rachel, Vesper…"

"No, go away J'onn!" Superman said angrily. "No one likes you! You have nothing cool about you!"

"What?"

"Besides we replaced you! We got a new guy, he's black and uh…well that's the only identifiable character trait I can think of right now, but he is way more interesting than a last surviving Martian that has very unique powers," Diana explained.

"I'm confused…"

"Welcome to the New 52, where the canon's made up and the characters don't matter, my friend," said a voice behind the Martian. Phantom Stranger had appeared.

"What are you doing here Phantom Stranger?" the Martian asked.

"DC has me make unexplained appearances in a desperate attempt to make it look like there is something deep at work when really they have no clue what's going on and continuity's out of the window."

"You mean like how Batman has Damien as Robin despite only joining the Justice League about five years ago? That would imply he is way older than most of the Justice League when he joined."

"Don't worry my friend it is all part of some higher power…"

"What?" the Martian asked.

"Jezebel, Shondra, Sasha…oh hey Diana as well."

"That was only in Timm's cartoon, not in the comics!" Diana countered.

"Uh what about JLA? Gods of Gotham? Blackest Night? Infinite Crisis…"

"No that obviously showed my attraction to Superman only!"

"What?" Batman asked confused.

"I don't know, I don't write this crap. Just blindly accept it for what it is," Phantom Stranger said giving up trying to give the Martian a good reason for everything that had happened.

"Uh I'm going back to Mars now," the Martian said as he suddenly disappeared.

"Where did he go?" Batman asked.

"Oh characters just pop in and out with no explanation all the time," explained the Phantom Stranger. "Like me…"

And with that he disappeared.

"Huh, he wasn't kidding."

"Bruce do you mind leaving?" Superman asked. "I'm so much filled with dark emotions I can't handle to be with people…"

"You think you have more reason to be angst? Bitch please I'm the Goddamn Batman, my whole story is about angst!"

"I lost my home planet!"

"Which you didn't even remember. I saw my parents murdered in front of me!"

"My adopted parents died too!"

"I had my sidekick die in my arms only for him to come back alive and fuck my ex-girlfriend and try to kill me! Do you realize how fucked up that is? "

"Hey!" Diana shouted. "At least your parents didn't have an affair and spent your whole life telling you that you were born from clay."

"I'm not going to lie, Diana," Superman remarked. "Compared to what's happened to Bruce and me that doesn't seem that bad…"

"And because of this lie my mother's currently a statue!" she countered like a petulant child.

"But didn't you just learn your mother is the leader of mass murderers who killed men after using them for procreating?" Batman asked.

"Hey guys," Flash said. "How's it going."

"This is all your fault!" Batman said angrily pointing at the Flash.

"What?"

"You had to go back in time and change the past that led to this mess. Didn't you learn anything? You never change the past!"

"Hey why are you complaining? You've been doing pretty good…"

"Because my writers were smart enough to almost completely ignore the reboot, but it's only a matter of time before this shit hits Gotham."

"Hey guys," said another mystery person in a Flash costume.

"Who the hell are you?" Batman asked.

"It's me, Wally. You know, the guy who was the Flash for twenty something years?"

"Never heard of you, get out of here kid," Batman grumbled.

"Okay, I see when I'm not wanted. I guess Donna and I will just be forgotten despite having been around before the big Crisis."

"Can you be a little more specific on which Crisis?" Barry asked. "I mean we have had so many Crises; the one where I died, a final one even though Blackest Night happened right after it, an infinite one, one that had something to do with zeroes…"

Meanwhile Superman and Wonder Woman had proceeded to make out.

"Oh yes Clark!" she shouted. "This is why we are meant to be together. We have the potential for hot sex! Screw chemistry or woman empowerment. I was always meant to just be identified as Superman's girlfriend."

"That's it I'm out of here," Batman complained. "I heard they're making another Arkham game anyways. Let's hope Dini's still around."

**Like I said this is a parody, if any of you feel I did this to just insult SMWW you are quiet wrong. The New 52 has been a disaster in terms of character development and continuity. I just hope DC gets its act together before they alienate all their fans.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The New 52 has had good intentions and some positive moments but overall, DC has dropped the ball and now continuity and character development is a mess. I decided I needed to add another chapter to express my thoughts.**

Batman sat on the gargoyle overlooking his city. He was the silent protector, the watchful guardian, the dark knight…

"Hey sexy thing," sang a sultry voice. Batman turned around to see Catwoman sauntering over to him, adding a little sway in her hips.

"What do you want?" Batman growled.

Catwoman looked confused.

"I don't understand. A few weeks ago you had no problem despite having trust issues sleeping with me now you're being all cold? I can't believe I downgraded my character to be a lovesick booty call instead of the forbidden fruit femme fatale."

"This is the New 52 Selina. Characters can act completely different in separate issues."

"Why do we still call it the New 52? It's over a year old!"

"I don't know," Batman said shrugging his shoulders. "Probably a plan by DC to keep fans hooked on their crappy writing because the 'new' implies this only temporarily and they'll keep buying until by the time they realize they've been fooled, it has become established canon."

Suddenly Tim appeared next to Batman in a Robin costume.

"Are you ready old man?" Tim asked.

"No!" Batman said angrily. "You aren't supposed to be Robin! Remember?"

"What?" Tim asked confused.

"I'm sorry but the writers made no effort in continuity so in a desperate attempt to close the gap they decided to come out that you were never Robin."

"What? But the whole point I was created was so Batman could actually have a sidekick who wanted to be Robin. That seems a little disrespectful to my history…"

Catwoman let out a snort of laugh.

"This is the New 52 kid. Respect to history has been thrown out the window."

"Yep," Batman said nodding. "I'm sorry Tim but we had to sacrifice your history so I can have my own son, who is still a source of controversy among fans, be my sidekick. Oh and by the way, remember your girlfriend Stephanie?"

"Yeah. She was awesome. What happened to her?"

"Yeah well she doesn't exist anymore. Sorry."

"What the hell?" Tim asked. "She was an interesting Batgirl! What did she do?"

"Well DC decided to give the finger to all paraplegics who were inspired by my character and make me able to walk again so I can be Batgirl," said Barbara who appeared out of nowhere. "Is that a good enough reason?"

"No!"

"Well too bad," Batgirl said. "This reboot is making money and attracting the short attention span Michael Bay generation. Opinions of long time devoted fans of good story structure and character don't matter anymore."

Then suddenly for no explained reason because this is the New 52 so who cares, Superman and Wonder Woman appeared.

"Hello Bruce," Superman said.

"Oh it's about time!" Batman snapped angrily.

"What?" Wonder Woman asked confused.

"Despite being called the 'Big Three' and the 'Trinity', there has been little to no interaction between the three of us at all in the Justice League. I mean what's the point of having a superhero team if you're not going to focus how each character interacts with one another so you can focus on Steve Trevor?"

"Hey that's not fair. We interacted pretty nice in Morrison's Action Comics," Superman complained.

"You mean the comic no one has any clue what's going on? The same comic that decided to make everyone except me in a universe where heroes are African American? The same comic that broke away from the main storyline to produce one issue that really doesn't seem to advance the story or background to it at all and feels like political propaganda?"

"How dare you insult Grant Morrison and the New 52!" Wonder Woman shouted. "I will hunt you all down and swear vengeance on you!"

"What happened to the peace and love you were supposed to promote?" Superman asked confused.

"That's too boring!" Wonder Woman complained. "Batman makes the most of the box office, therefore every hero must be like him! Dark and edgy!"

"Hello, we're still here…" Selina complained.

"Let's get out of here," Tim muttered. "It's not like we matter anymore. Watch I bet by tomorrow DC in an attempt to add another stunt will make one of us half robot."

"Dark and edgy huh?" Batman complained. "Did you ever consider the reason why people like my dark and edgy personality is because it stands out? Making yourselves like me might not only alienate your long time fans but turn off my appeal to the general population!"

"Clark honey what's going on?" Lois asked suddenly appearing out of nowhere.

"We're not married anymore honey," Superman whispered.

"Oh yeah sorry," Lois said. "Wait do I know your identity or not? It gets so confusing with these mixed signals the writers have been sending."

"Wait I thought you guys were dating?" Batman asked while pointing at Superman and Wonder Woman confused.

"We are, well it's complicated. DC teased it only to jerk it away and make it look awkward so they could force it down everyone's throats even more."

"But the cover had you and Superman making out in passion!" Batman complained.

"The cover of Wonder Woman #12 also had me making out with my half-brother Apollo which even for Greek mythology is still a little gross…"

"So I'm confused," Superman said. "The writers for Justice League seem to want me to be with Diana but the writers of Superman seem to have plans for me to be in love with Lois still or some other one time love interest they created."

"It's the New 52," Batman complained. "The writers don't consult each other at all because canon is pointless. When it starts becoming too conflicting we can't ignore anymore, they'll just come up with another 'Zero Issue' stunt and put a lot of characters on the chopping block to cover up their mistakes."

At that moment a tidal wave came followed by the arrogant laugh of someone everyone thought dead. When the water cleared, there stood Aquaman looking proud and haughty.

"You know I never thought I would say this, but I envy Aquaman," Superman complained. "He seems to be getting the most respect out of this whole reboot."

"Hello my fellow heroes," Aquaman said. "Kind of funny, a few years ago I was the laughing stock of the superhero community. Now look at me, I'm king of the world bitches. Kind of sad that Aquaman is one of the few characters that is able to attract new readers without alienating old fans."

"You know they easily could've improved your character without a reboot," Batman pointed out. "In fact they could've just done a revamp. That way you can make changes without risking pissing off longtime fans…"

"But that's too much work! Come on Batman, this is the 21st century. Working hard and actually putting an effort into something is a thing of the past."

"The Marvel film universe begs to differ," Wonder Woman muttered. "In fact the writer for Twilight has put more effort in writing her crappy romance than DC has in writing my relationship with Superman. I mean if you're going to pair two heavy weights in the comic universe, shouldn't you at least put a little effort besides a media blitz and misleading art?"

"Like I said Diana. Working hard is the thing of the past. Why look. Within two years we're going to have a Justice League movie so we can compete with the Avengers sequel!" Aquaman said with deluded hope.

"Doesn't that seem a little rushed? I mean shouldn't you invest the effort to properly establish the characters and the universe like Marvel did?" Superman complained.

"The Transformers Franchise made no effort in good acting or writing and became a blockbuster hit. If it ain't broke don't fix it," Aquaman replied.

"Still you would think it would be nice to actually award the fans and give them what they deserve," Superman pointed out.

Aquaman laughed.

"The fans are fools. They're sheep. Even if they are dissatisfied with the work, they keep buying the New 52 hoping despite all evidence to the contrary their faith will be rewarded. DC and Warner Bros. can just take them for granted…"

**If you like the New 52, more power to you even though I feel like it has single handedly made DC heroes into nothing more than cheap thrills. However if you don't like the New 52, then stop giving DC money. DC is responding to money, not your concerns. If you actually want to make your voice heard, don't waste your time just complaining on forums, actually stop rewarding them for crappy writing. Buy the comics you like in the New 52, not the ones you're hoping will turn out good despite them being crappy so far. Don't reward mediocrity because of the brand name, reward the good stories. Make the writers have to work for your attention, don't let them take it for granted.**


End file.
